Choosing the name of my blog wasn't difficult for me. I knew what I wanted and I knew it quite for a reason. I knew I was writing the blog to post what's on my mind that can not be posted on other Social Networks. So I came up with "Heaven - and - Ocean" inspired mainly by Shelley's "Ode to The West Wind". My feet are in deep dead ocean whereas my thoughts reside in the limitless, unapproachable sky, was the reason behind choosing such an address for the blog. Just like my thoughts, my life is pretty much messed up too. One minute I am all happy and smiling and within no time something bad happens and spoils my mood. Deep down inside I am actually fearful of laughing as something bad might turn up again and sabotage my good mood.
Anyway, my blog's address is just an opening I could think of while writing this piece about me, yet again. I am currently in a state of introspection, asking myself what I really want to do, what I really want to be in my life. I was just an average kid in school. When I say kid, I mean primary classes. There was a time when a little book called "Mental Maths" used to give me nightmares. I used to shiver when my teacher used to call me and solve a problem on the board in front of everyone. The worst part was when I couldn't solve it, I was looked down upon.
Then I don't know what happened, I became a star all of a sudden. Grades, sports, extra - curricular activities - declamation, plays, drawing, swimming, skating - I pursued all of them. It didn't happen over night and I wasn't perfect at everything, but I fared well in each activity. Things were good. People were jealous of me for all the lime - light I got. Then something unexpected happened and changed my life completely.
I scored good percentage of marks in CBSE class X board examination, and by good percentage, I mean 97.4 %, and everybody thought I was a genius when I actually was just good at memorizing things, presenting things well and writing things well and that I would definitely crack IIT JEE, the toughest competitive exams in India next to IAS or CAT. What was unfortunate was that I believed in them and worked my ass off living up to their expectations. For me, Engineering or Medicine were 2 career choices. I madly wanted to be a doctor. I used to read Biology Today in class 9 and 10 looking for stuff which wasn't meant for my curriculum. Some how I was brain washed not to be a doc. I ended up preparing for engineering exams and I flunked. I went to best possible college I could get, though the best possible wasn't good enough, and then began the miseries of my life which I am not gonna talk about now.
The point is my life has been sort of strange and my realizing what I really wanna do so late is a part of this craziness. As a result of the introspection, I zeroed in on it finally. I have always been fond of writing. I started this blog to post stuff I have written and of course shit about my life as well. Also I have been interested in acting in plays during school. I even directed one for a competition and bagged the 1st prize. I didn't join my college drama club as it was way too dramatic. It was all about a bunch of hooligans presenting crappy spoofs as that was the only way they could get some attention.
I talked to a friend of mine about all this madness that's going on in my mind and he thinks I am insane. He says I am not trained to pursue either of my interests as a career and that none of them is going to give me a stable job. He says that I should pursue them as hobbies and continue with whatever I am doing. The point is, this is the only time and chance I have got to experiment. The only chance to live my life the way I want to. I graduated an year ago.I still have a chance to pursue a course in either of these 2 options and start afresh. All I need is a sign of what my life is gonna be and a good career counselor who could guide me with which course to follow and perhaps a shrink with whom I could talk to and give rest to all my worries.
I have lived for almost 23 years now and it has been a roller coaster ride with mostly downs and few ups in the journey. I would definitely try to make the best use of this last chance I have. I know I am not gonna die young. I have a long life to live. I don't know what it is going to be. So I am gonna come back to this post of mine some 30 years from now and compare my life at 55 to what I want it to be. I would compare how well I had been able to use this last chance !
Years ago there was a young man with stars in his eyes and dreams which he shared with me. I was indulgent at best and incredulous at other times at his sheer audacity to dream the impossible. Well he dreamt on and became a star in his own right while I stood by and applauded from the sidelines slowly getting marginalized and finally obliterated from his life (rightly so). So when I see your friend giving you advice on how to be prudent and live your dreams in fragments and treat it as a hobby I am not sure how good that advice is :) I know what you are thinking but my friend live your dream, and while you do so take one prudent step at a time. Take some chances but look before you leap. But leap you must, otherwise you will rue a life not so well spent.........................
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